I admit it! I'm the one you scream at. I'm the one you honk your horn at. I'm the one you shake your fist at. I'm the one that gives you that rush of road rage. I'm that MORON behind the wheel!
I'm convinced that I was conceived in the backseat of a NASCAR. No doubt in my mind! I love to drive fast. I love to drive...PERIOD! I don't need a destination in mind. I just need a highway and a tank of gas. I love to read traffic patterns. I love to time lights. I love to manipulate my way from point A to point B.
So I have compiled a list if you too want to be a moronic driver...and YES I have done or regularly do all things on this list.
HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON
- Drive in the left lane at ALL times.
- When the car in front of you refuses to concede to the fact that you want to go faster than they, tailgate them mercilessly until they move over. Here's where my inner gay man comes out...I can ride ass with the best of 'em.
- Don't waist time with your blinkers when changing lanes...whats the point?
- Speed limits are merely suggestions.
- Yellow lights were meant to be run...otherwise we would only have green and red.
- Sometimes red lights were meant to be run...as long as you have a "tag" car in front of you. The logic is simple. If the crossing traffic never has a chance to start, then you're clear to go.
- Force your way into a lane when no one is feeling in the giving spirit.
- To effectively win the start from a light, let the other guy nudge up and up and up. Just sit tight the whole time and pay attention to the cross light. Trust me, you'll win every time.
- Never EVER allow yourself to be behind: huge trucks, anything being hauled, handicapped plates, cars weighted down with 20 people, cars loaded down with more than 2 grey haired heads, and old nasty looking cars. All of these will slow you down and make you scream out your window.
- If you ever have the opportunity to be first in line at a light, take it--even if your turning half a block up.
- When you do get busted, don't make excuses. You KNOW you are a MORON driver, so just take the ticket and get on with your day.
- Keep in mind its NOT a very good idea to tailgate a cop. YIKES!
- After you are done with the courthouse and paying off a ticket, stop by the drive-thru and get a daiquiri for the ride home. And if your feeling like a huge MORON, put the straw in the cup...now you're driving with an open container.
And just so you don't think I'm a pure asshole, here are a few things I would NEVER do.
- I don't cut lines of traffic. I especially would never cross a solid white line to get ahead. I wait my turn.
- When lines of cars are merging I always let one in front of me...unless its a huge truck, something being hauled, or a car weighted down with 20 people.
- I don't tailgate the elderly or handicapped.
- I don't blow my horn at thugs.
- I rarely flip anyone off...you never know who's packing heat these days.
- I don't drive like a moron in the rain.
- I don't race my way thru flooded streets. Trust me, when you flood your car out, a towel will NOT help!
- I would NEVER drive while under the influence of anything.
If you want more MORON driving tips...
15 comments:
"I don't blow my horn at thugs"
Id hope not unless you wanna get shot. Oh and do you wanna teach me how to drive. Your way sounds much more fun than how your meant to drive!! I bet i would be better at riding that ass than you would be seeing as i am gay :P
HAHA I would love to teach you how to drive!! And im sure youre good at riding ass dear...but can you do it from behind the wheel of a car? hmmm...
<3
ill try. just stick jay in the seat with me and we will see
I'm the old lady everyone honks at, and flips off!! I havent had a moving violation since '94. I road raged once, and the big black woman driving the car followed me and hunted me down at the post office. She got out of her car and cussed me out good! She scared me, so now I just keep it to myself.
I am the one you see in driving school, twice in a year! Truthfully, I think it's the car. Black, sporty and a sunroof. Cops are itching to pull me over if I do five over the speed limit. I gotta lay off the gas, I can't handle any more driving school. Staying awake, the corny films......
i only had to do that driving school thing once but it was for 1 hour and trust me i didnt hear ANYTHING that I didnt already know...the only reason i went was to clear my record after 2 years with no incidents...goog thing this last ticket was 3 years after the other LOL
Uree, I would take you on in my bad ass TC in a heart beat---all of your advice is exactly how I drive--which is why I could explaine to you the inside of everycourt room in california and all the Judges names!! You have now been bookmarked! Love You!!! Gabe
^^^Oh and I forgot we both do the one knee on the wheel trick too LOL
YAY Gabe is here!! WOOTS!!
Driving school? What the hell is that? I've gotten 1 ticket in my whole life. I had a Mustang GT. 10 over the speed limit. They took the ticket under advisement, which means if you stay out of trouble for a year, the ticket gets dropped. So I guess I've never technically had a ticket!!!
HaHa GRANNY RULES!
Girl down here they SPOT YOU 10...when i get a speeding ticket, its a DOOZY! Mandatary court date, and if your record is clean an option for this dumb driving class thing that is the biggest waist of time cause i guarantee you it hasnt slowed me down one bit...but if you can successfully EVADE being detected for 2 years after this dumb class, they wipe it off your record.
Oh and for the record, my latest ticket was for running a stop sign and expired brake tag...the cop decided not to cite me for tailgating him LOL
the fucktard was doing the limit and i had somewhere to be!!! :)
Well those are certainly great tips! You better not honk at thugs, we will fucking find your car and give you 4 flats!! LOL!
Drving school? We dont have that hear. you either go to jail go get a ticket plain and simple!
Driving schools are great for revenues for the cities around here and they give you NO MERCY for any traffic violations.
I had to take the test over just to renew my license this year at the DMV for a flagged stopsign violation!!!
If only the autobahn existed here......
Im all for the autobohn!!! That has my name written all over it!!
Can we call it the UREE-OBOHN??
I'll race ya.....
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