HAPPY DEMISE

I just have to get something off my chest! I FUCKING HATE MARY POPPINS!! Let me tell you something BITCH! The sun does NOT always shine! You don't need to SMILE every second of the damn day! You don't have to ask me how I'm doing every morning, heck, you don't even have to tell me "Good morning" every day! Wanna know whyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

Cause you make me SICK!! The tone of your voice grates on my nerves...OOOO here comes Mary Poppins..."Good morning Ms. Franklin! How you doing this morning?" *with the SMIIIIIIIIIIIILE out to ------------------------------------------------HERE!*

You annoy me!!! Stay away from me!!! Its not possible to ALWAYS be in a good fucking mood!!!

And make note of this...DO NOT PRESUME THAT I DON'T MIND doing you those favors!! BECAUSE I DO!! I really wanna wipe that smile clear off of your face...smudge your make-up, and muss your hair!! GRRRR....

GUILTY PLEASURE

I have an admission to make. I'm not proud of it. But I feel as tho I must be honest. I am addicted to GIRLS NEXT DOOR.

I cannot seem to stop watching this show. Am I the only one? I cant be! I am mesmerized by these girls that live with THE HEF! First of all let me say this. I have never been a fan of the stripper-model look. Although the appearance is "perfection," I find it quite fake. BUT, these girls, as fake as they may appear, truly are kinda REAL, in their own fake-reality kinda way.

I mean looking at them, all I see is the fake teeth, the fake hair, the fake tits... BUT they are so kinda adorable? Can it be? No, it cant be that? Can it?

My favorite girl to watch is Kendra (left). Shes the wild child of the bunch. What did she want more than anything else for her birthday? A diamond encrusted GRILL...you know, for her teeth...thug girl style. Or as she puts it, "I'm a P-I-M-P." Kendra cracks me up with her insane personality, her off-the-wall sense of humor, and her obnoxious laugh.

Holly(right) is HEF's "#1". Yes, that's what shes called. She is his main girlfriend. She sleeps in his room. I guess this positioning gives her a bit more "clout." I don't know...Shes very "involved" with running things for HEF. I guess he is her "job?" Shes interesting...

Bridget (middle) is the last of the 3 girlfriends that live in the Playboy mansion. She is actually very REAL to me. I'm not sure why. Maybe its because her family actually goes to visit her. Although I was completely weirded out when she practiced her burlesque striptease in front of her dad...EEEWWW! But there is something about her that I enjoy. Could it be that I'm envious that she actually lives in oblivion? They say "ignorance is bliss." I wouldn't know anything about that. :P

As a group, these girls are "flawless" in appearance. They smile CONSTANTLY with so much white that you need sunglasses. They always seem happy. And they are always involved in projects that seem so...silly. Kinda like they are living the life that we would expect the dolls in the Its A Small World ride to be living when Disneyworld closes, and no one's around. Does that even make sense.

Anyway here's a clip if you've never seen the show...pay close attention to Kendra as she asks HEF about having a boner...the girl cracks me up!!! And watch their mouths when they speak...their teeth and that unbreakable smiley thing thats happening.

Tell me what you think...seen it? thoughts? admissions?

WORKING HOBBY

I am so sad to have to bid a fond farewell to one of my favorite blogs ACooperVision.

My sweet Sista Friend, compadre in stalking all things sexy, Rachel, has decided to end her hilarious blog due to time constraints. I totally understand where she's coming from. However, if I may be selfish for one second...I won't find that daily does of WIT and CHARM about Anderson Cooper anywhere else. I will really miss checking in with her everyday...I guess we still have Myspace. Good Luck Rachel! And I'll see you in March! Feather Boas in hand!! WOOTS!!!

PERFECT MISFIT

UPDATE: in the comment section

Well guys, please pray for my baby tomorrow. I will be taking her to the vet because she has an odd infection on one of her legs. Last week she was attacked by a dog that was NOT on a leash. And although I thought she had gotten away unscathed, I was clearly wrong. Vet visits for my dear Simon are a horrifying experience. She will need to be sedated because she suffers from a panic disorder. YES ITS TRUE! My dog has a panic disorder...

Anyway just keep her in your thoughts tomorrow afternoon. Sedating her is always a scary experience for me cause it really freaks me out to see her so "lifeless." My biggest fear is that one day she wont wake up. Ill post when we get home to let everyone know how she is.

But on a slightly different note, I am presently comforted by the movie Simon Birch, for whom Simon is named. If you haven't seen it, Simon Birch was a little person, born to the world always knowing that God had created him to serve as a miracle one day. It was his destiny. He is one of the most lovable characters ever written.

Here's a clip of smart ass Simon...just like I love him!

And here's a clip of Simon searching for meaning to his life.

So I named my baby Simon Birch, because on the way home from the animal shelter, the day that I adopted her, she was so excited to be leaving that she tried to jump from the backseat to the front seat, and she literally got stuck between the seats...because she is LONG and SHORT. She is a miracle and destined for something special!

BLACK GOLD

The SAINTS play the Chicago Bears today in a game that will decide who goes to the Superbowl. WAIT...did I read that right? The Saints are one game away from the Superbowl? Hmmmm...well I guess since HELL and HIGH WATER came...this is possible too. AMEN!

This town has been crazee partying all week since they beat the Eagles last weekend. Everything, everywhere is adorned with black and gold and Fleur-de-Lis. This is not something that this town is use to...so forgive our overkill on JOY! Our school district declared Friday to be BLACK-AND-GOLD day. Uniform requirements were suspended for the SAINTS spirit. And my school was fortunate enough to have a visit from oober fan "Holy Moses." Anyone from New Orleans KNOWS Holy Moses. Hes been dressing as the unofficial Saints mascot for 26 years. Hes NEVER given up FAITH in our boys. Its a good thing someone cared thru the "AINTS" days.

So for those of you not from New Orleans...let me set the scene for you.

ALL WEEK, no matter where you go...what corner you turn...who you're with...you will hear "WHO DAT? WHO DAT? WHO DAT SAY THEY GONNA BEAT DEM SAINTS?" Enter Holy Moses to our school which is adorned in Black and Gold. He enters the building proudly singing, "WHO DAT? WHO DAT? WHO DAT SAY THEY GONNA BEAT DEM SAINTS?" And of course a second line ensues. WOOTS!! All I can say is that SAINTS fans are like NO OTHER in the NFL. We come from a town that knows how to party, knows how to eat, and for the first time knows how to win.

Here's a tribute video to their season so far...and hopefully, after today, we can add to it!

BLESS YOU BOYS!!!!!!!!

FOREIGN NATIONAL

This evening I was pleasantly surprised by a phone call from abroad. I love picking up the phone and hearing THAT accent!! That wonderfully beautiful and juicy ACCENT!! You know the one...that accent that would make listening to the phone book being read a SEXY THING! Allow me to introduce you, my loyal readers to some of my favorite BRITS on the planet...as the voices emerged. :P

First up was Liam, aka Dirrtyboy. I cannot convey to anyone how much I ADORE this sweetheart! He is truly delightful in every way. He always knows how to make me laugh either with his wit or his own clumsiness. I thought I was the laziest person ever until I met him. LOL But don't hate me for saying that dear...just means we could laze together on a rainy Sunday afternoon. He has worked very hard to teach me British slang, by
which I am completely intrigued. Love you dear...BIGG HUGGZ!

Next was Matthew, aka Pilgrim. Pilgrim is such a DOLL!!
He is a gorgeous specimen of the human race...a body to die for!

He has a heart of gold...and he knows how to treat his lady...which is SOOO SEXY!!! And he produces beautiful babies!! What more could a girl ask for in a guy?? OO a killer sense of humor and he loves the way I say "OH MY GAWD!" lol

Then I was pleased to get to chat with Sara, Pilgrims lovely
girlfriend. She and I share a similar mentality because we have both chosen a career in education. I wish you the best girl...as I choose to depart the classroom. You guys are just so cute together too...loverly people and a special couple. Huggz to both of you! :)

And although they I didn't get to speak to these 2 tonight, I cannot mention my dear friends across the pond without giving a shout-out to 2 more very important British creations.

Jay, the passionate thinker, is Liam's boyfriend and my oober friend. :) He is insightful, and somehow deeply connected to the hidden aspects of human relations. AND, he knows how to work a camera!!! WOOTS!! Just call him Brian Kinney...but not to his face! LOL I adore him!!

And listed last but by NO MEANS LEAST...Dan, aka DRAMA, is too special for me to attempt to put into words. We share an indescribable bond that cannot be broken. And that's not just because we are cyber-spouses. :) I like to describe my honey as a thuggish punk with a heart of gold. And LOOK--------------->

He's wearing the Mardi Gras beads I sent to him last year. :) I love you sweetie...BIGG TIGHT HUGGZ!!

I LOVE THE LOT OF YOU!!!

SAD CLOWN

Hey guys! Jeez you all make me feel so loved!! :)

Sorry I haven't blogged in 4 whole days...SUE ME!!! :P

Ive been very busy with work and feeling emotionally void. So I haven't really been motivated to create posts for this blog.

BUT, I have a couple ideas in mind and I shall get to work soon. BUT, unfortunately, I have to go to work all day on Saturday for fucking staff development. SO, hopefully you will all be able to wait a wee bit more.

Keep checking in and don't abandon the MORON! Shes still here just being a bit lazy.

BIGG HUGGZ!

DINING PLEASURE

Normally speaking, I HATE people with attitudes. But sometimes, the planets and stars are aligned perfectly and the circumstances are JUST RIGHT and some attitudinal fag finds his way into your life and PERFECTION happens. Such is the case of my outing at a GREAT hole-in-the-wall on Bourbon St. called Clover Grill. First of all, I cannot say enough about this restaurant. This tiny restaurant which could fit in my bedroom, is located in the fruit loop of the French Quarter. The music blares like its a dance club no matter what time of day or night. Patrons and staff cannot help but dance while sitting or standing. Hungry? The burgers are to die for...grilled scrumptiously under an American made HUB-CAP. Don't like to wait for service? Read the menu...its a ball of laughs!! My favorite part is under the "Weenie" section. And of course this place staffs the best in ATTITUDES for dealing with the drunks that trickle in at all hours of the day and night.

That's Clover Grill!

Here's my story!

I was sitting at one of the 5 tables in the joint with my friend Troy and another friend whom I had just met. We were grooving to the music and dancing in our chairs. A Britney *coughs* Hooch *coughs* Spears song had just ended, offering a moment of quiet, right as our waiter had placed a nice cold glass of water in front of Troy who simultaneously announced, "The only difference between Britney Spears and the Scissor Sisters is that the Scissor Sisters SUCK!" I could feel the mood in the table's aura immediately shift. Our waiter stopped dead in his tracks. He looked at Troy with that "OH NO YOU DID NOT!" face, grabbed his fresh glass of water, THREW IT IN THE GARBAGE, and LEFT our table! LMAO!! Troy was left with his jaw hanging, and I couldn't stop laughing!!! If ever there could be an example of perfect timing...this was it! Eventually he made his way back with another glass of water for Troy but grimly announced that Troy would be getting the check! WOOTS!!

DARK VICTORY

BLESS YOU BOYS!!!

The Saints played the Eagles tonight in their first ever Playoff game inside the Superdome. And they WON 27-24. It has truly been a Cinderella season thus far. As the season began, I commented on the emotional impact the team's return to our city has had on so many tired and frustrated (yet dedicated) citizens. The progression of their season has offered inspiration and hope to countless people. But more importantly, it has offered a reason to PLAY!

And to the rather PISS-POOR attempt of the LIZARD to rain on my blog and our parade...Im pretty sure I can read this Saint's lips. Yep, Yep. Its clear as day.

"TAKE DAT MUDDA-PUCKA!!!"

STUPID GENIUS

Quips From Troy

"I'm fucking hott when I'm naked...SHIT, I TURN MYSELF ON!"

FAIL SAFE

Its been a rollercoaster ride of a day!

It all began when I approached my car to go to work this morning...MY DOOR WAS AJAR!! I didnt quite understand but my initial thought was "did I forget to close my door last night?" But in reality I knew better...I would NEVER leave my door open...the schema is permanently burned into my brain that when you exit a vehicle you lock then shut the door. So, next, I opened my door and immediately noticed that the emergency brake was pulled up...something I have NEVER done to this car in 4 years. So, then I'm thinking "WTF?" I get in to look around and I notice that my sunglasses are gone, there is a strange dirt (not my regular dirt...I KNOW what the dirt in my car looks like, OK!) on the seats and in the backseat. Then I notice that one of the back windows is smudged. Then, I have the complete realization that someone had broken into my car.
After my initial scan, it didn't appear to have anything missing except for the sunglasses. Even my cd collection (probably $1000 worth of cds) was still sitting there on the passenger seat. Was this guy blind? Dumb? Or maybe he just didn't like my taste in music? There was no damage to my car. I was already running late for work, so, I opted to not call the police and just leave...go about my day. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot when a wave of disgust (which I can only think to describe as "the creepies") came upon me. So, I parked my car and jumped out...somewhat afraid to even be in my car. Its amazing how fast one's brain works in such a situation. I immediately started thinking of what this person did in my car. I thought: *did he drop any drugs in here? *did he take it for a joy ride and bring it back? *did he kill someone and put them in the trunk? *did he sleep in the backseat? *did he find anything that I am not aware of?
The next step was obvious! Check the trunk! I was afraid to open it but I was prepared to scream in the event that I saw a body. I opened it...just my crap. PHEW! Then I walk around the whole car to check for anything "funny"...just MY dirt. PHEW! Then I went back into my car and opened my glove box...which i s when I relaized I had a few things missing. Important stuff! My registration and proof of insurance! But I immediately realized it was in the passenger side door. PHEW! So what the fuck then did this bastard want?? I have no idea and I'll never know. I'm just glad I cleaned out my "gypsy wagon" last week. Otherwise, he would have had a party going thru all my shit.

So that's how my day started.

Here's how it ended...I was approached by a "big-wig" in the school board about a position that will be coming available soon. Sounds like a great opportunity and might be exactly what I've been hoping for the past few months. This position has been described as "the best of both worlds." Thats because its a position outside of the classroom but it works on the school calendar. That means I won't lose any of my off time during the holidays and summers...and I'm not confined to the rigorous classroom. That makes Uree VERY HAPPY!!! So hopefully this will all work out and Ill be a bit happier in life in the coming months.

MOTHERLY LOVE

Today's MORON AWARD goes to the mother of the year! (t/y Rhonda)

As a hospital worker reports: "This woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away."

No further commentary needed on my part...

MARITAL BLISS

I am DEVASTATED about the first major break-up of 2007. Marilyn Manson and Dita Von Teese have called it quits...or at least Dita is aware of the split; the jury is still out on whether or not Manson is aware. Its a few days old but I cant stop thinking about it. I mean if Satan and an Angel cant make it work...who the fuck can?? They were the BEST couple EVER! They were so complimentary of each other...the pale skin, the perfect make-up, the STYLE! THEY were NOT suppose to be a cliche! And correct me if I'm wrong but they were the most perfect oxi-moronic couple of all time!!

*wipes tear from eye*

2007 is off to a grand start...BATTER UP!

STUPID GENIUS

QUIPS FROM TROY

"I'm talking in circles, but you're hearing squares."

NEW CLASSIC

Getting the NEW calendar...

Its always been a fun day for me to pick out the calendar that will adorn my wall for a full 365 days, 366 on a leap year. Its sort of ceremonious for me. I never go into the search with an idea of what I want. Instead, I want to be surprised by what I find. So without further adieu...

My calendar for 2007...

ELVIS--The Wertheimer Collection