EXPECTED SURPRISE

I don't care how many times I watch THIS...I crack the fuck up!!!



So I'm wondering what was the ONE GIFT that made me react this way as a child? Hmmm.... Maybe I was excited about a bike. But i don't think I was ever THIS excited. OHHHHH but there was that one time when my brother sent me a card with a crisp $100 bill in it. I was probably 13 at the time...and at a period in my life when a
C-note was HUGE!!!

This year, I think the only thing that would make me react this way would be a phone call from Guy. But if that ever happened I would surely need to be rushed to the hospital for oxygen. Well see if Santa opens my letter in time.

What have you ever gotten to make you react this way? BE HONEST!

STUPID GENIUS

Anyone who really knows me, has heard me speak of my dear friend Troy. I treasure him for sooooo many reasons that I cannot even begin to count them. But most of all I love him for what I like to call

QUIPS FROM TROY

"Its not easy being smart and cute at the same time!"

more QUIPS to come...

MODERN HISTORY

GIVE ME NEW ORLEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!

----------Author Unknown

give me a king cake baby
give me a beignet kiss
give me a french quarter morning that looks like this

give me the endymion krewe
give me the times-picayune
give me a drunk and lazy crawfish boil in muggy sticky June

give me a six pack of dixie
give me some assorted abita beers
give me a city where it only snows once every 10 years

give me a green neutral ground
give me a mardi gras ball
give me a medium rare burger at my grand old Port of Call

give me a glittery drag show
give me the streetcar line
give me the House of the Rising Sun
give me a Tchoupitoulas sign

give me a shrimp and oyster poboy
give me lovebug season in May
give me my New Orleans-
I will definitely stay.

58 percent of Americans think New Orleans should not be rebuilt... These 58 percent of Americans can go FUCK themselves!!

WAR GAMES

What are our troops asking for this Christmas season? SILLY STRING! But its not to play around. Apparently the military has discovered a very worthwhile use for the frequent party guest. Silly String can be used to detect rigged entryways.

Soldiers spray the string from a distance into a doorway. If the string falls to the floor, its safe to walk thru. If the string hangs or gets caught midair...its rigged.

This is AMAZING!!

Marcelle Shriver is collecting donations to send as many cans of Silly String as she can to the troops. The problem is that its considered a hazardous material. So shes having to hire a private plane to bring it over. Don't worry, they aren't scammers. The guys bringing it over are retired military and are still working by making several trips to and from Iraq doing this kind of thing. So if you want to learn how you can help out email Marcelle at ron101anb@comcast.com .

SPEED BUMP

I got ANOTHER fucking ticket yesterday!! GRRRRR! They all piss me off...even tho I sorta deserve them all. But this one REALLY PISSED me off!! He didn't have to pull me over!!! He could have kept minding his own damn business!! I wasn't bothering anyone...no one was near me!! SO WHAT!! I was doing 80 in a 65!! WHO CARES!!! I wasn't pushing 120. I wasn't tailgating a cop! I wasn't tailgating ANYONE for that matter. I wasn't weaving in and out of traffic. I wasn't being reckless. I was simply on an OPEN fucking HIGHWAY!! Did I mention I was by myself...not a car near me! AND he was on the other side of the highway so he had to cut across the neutral ground and catch me before he could pull me over. THE CUNT!

THEN, the bastard has the NERVE to get on his intercom and ask me to exit my vehicle!! WHAT THE FUCK?? I have never been asked to exit my vehicle before...this concerned me cause my poor dog was in the car. She was already shaking like a leaf cause she knew that stopping on the highway is never normal. So he asked me for my license, registration, and proof of insurance...the normal routine. Then asks me to wait in my car. He proceeds to take his SWEET OLE TIME writing this ticket. The whole time my poor dog is pacing and shaking. And I'm hoping and praying that when he comes to my car, she wont get nuts on his ass. She didn't. She was too afraid to do anything. So anyway I signed it...I have to call the number to find out how much money I'm gonna lose this time.

Maybe this is a sign to stop driving like a moron? hmmmm...

CHRISTMAS PARTY

I have not tried to hide the fact that I hate Christmas. I REALLY, REALLY hate it! This season is like Chinese water torture to me.

Heres what I HATE about Christmas:

Parking Lots--It is IMPOSSIBLE to pull into a mall or any store for that matter without a near brawl amongst drivers for a place to park. YIKES!

Store Aisles--If youre lucky enough to find a place to park, then you have to brave the insane people that are clumped together INSIDE the damn place. It's imopssible to move sometimes.

Long Lines--Do you REALLY need those items in your hand? If the answer is yes I hope you brought a tent and a comfortable pillow cause youre gonna be a while.

Commercialization--Christmas has become its own Corporation. It begins before Thanksgiving now, and I REFUSE to take part in that early insanity. Cant we get thru the thankful part of the year before we act like Devils to get the last PS3?

The Devil--Listen to me good people! Nothing brings the DEVIL out of people like Christmas!! I worked retail several years ago and somehow I survived my first Christmas season. I vowed that I would be out of there before the next. Luckily, I was able to achieve that goal.

Presents--I know this will sound INSANE, but I hate exchanging presents! I have a hard enough time keeping my place clean. Now, I have to find a place for more shit. But I suck it up and participate for the sake of harmony.

Family Gatherings--This one is a double edged sword. I hate it and I like it. I hate it because I see some people that I cant stand. We sit around a table and pretend to like each other for a few hours and catch up on whats going on...like we care! *sighs*

Energized Kids--During the holiday season, my students become electrified zombies. They are energized and hyperactive to the point of accomplishing little to nothing in their studies. Its a force that is extremely difficult to deal with on a professional level.

The Class Christmas Party--Oh dear God this could be a blog all on its own! May I get on my soap box for just one damn second? Schools were designed to be institutions of LEARNING! Not PARTYING! Yet if we dont have a class party, we become the ASSHOLES! These parties make me fucking insane! Everyone shows up! You know!! The parents that you have been BEGGING to come sit with you for a conference because little Johnny doesnt know SHIT! They wont return your calls or come meet with you for the sake of their child's education...BUT theyll come eat your cake and drink your punch for the fucking party! THEM!! Those assholes!! And then of course, because Mommy and Daddy are there, your students think they can act amock and do whatever the hell they want to do, destroy the classroom, run around, scream and yell, because they think I wont correct them in front of their parents. WRONG!! Trust me when I say I have a very effective "teacher look." I can stare down the most insane child and get a cowering response. WOOTS! OK off my soap box...where was I? Oh yeah I hate the damn Class party.

Now so you dont think I'm a complete asshole...

Here's what a LIKE about Christmas:

Scents-- I love the smells of Christmas. Cinnamon, hazelnut, hot cocoa, mint, cookies baking. *deep inhaling breath* THATS WHAT I LOVE!

Food--I LOVE my food. So a feast is right up my alley.

Lifetime Christmas Movies-- I KNOW! Its seems very weird that I would HATE Christmas but LOVE these movies. But I DO! I think they are the BEST!!

Rudolph--I have to watch the Rankin Bass Production of Rudolph every year or I'll die!

Family Gatherings--I see people that I only see once a year; the ones that I actually LOVE! There ARE a few of them. But not many!

***So I guess when all is considered, there is a WEE little bit of Cindy Loo Who inside of me? But NOT much!

CRIMINAL JUSTICE

I just love dumb ass criminal stories. They make my heart sing with glee. Makes me feel so much better about myself cause I know how big of a fucktard I can be sometimes.

But this guy takes the cake.

"When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had."

First of all, I have NEVER understood the concept of siphoning gas. Who in their right minds would suck in a mouthfull of gasoline just to start the line? OMG!! And to make a mistake and suck in SEWAGE WASTE!! OMG!! This guy deserves it alright!! He gets the Moron of the Day Award!