SPEED BUMP

I got ANOTHER fucking ticket yesterday!! GRRRRR! They all piss me off...even tho I sorta deserve them all. But this one REALLY PISSED me off!! He didn't have to pull me over!!! He could have kept minding his own damn business!! I wasn't bothering anyone...no one was near me!! SO WHAT!! I was doing 80 in a 65!! WHO CARES!!! I wasn't pushing 120. I wasn't tailgating a cop! I wasn't tailgating ANYONE for that matter. I wasn't weaving in and out of traffic. I wasn't being reckless. I was simply on an OPEN fucking HIGHWAY!! Did I mention I was by myself...not a car near me! AND he was on the other side of the highway so he had to cut across the neutral ground and catch me before he could pull me over. THE CUNT!

THEN, the bastard has the NERVE to get on his intercom and ask me to exit my vehicle!! WHAT THE FUCK?? I have never been asked to exit my vehicle before...this concerned me cause my poor dog was in the car. She was already shaking like a leaf cause she knew that stopping on the highway is never normal. So he asked me for my license, registration, and proof of insurance...the normal routine. Then asks me to wait in my car. He proceeds to take his SWEET OLE TIME writing this ticket. The whole time my poor dog is pacing and shaking. And I'm hoping and praying that when he comes to my car, she wont get nuts on his ass. She didn't. She was too afraid to do anything. So anyway I signed it...I have to call the number to find out how much money I'm gonna lose this time.

Maybe this is a sign to stop driving like a moron? hmmmm...

DRIVING PLEASURE

I admit it! I'm the one you scream at. I'm the one you honk your horn at. I'm the one you shake your fist at. I'm the one that gives you that rush of road rage. I'm that MORON behind the wheel!

I'm convinced that I was conceived in the backseat of a NASCAR. No doubt in my mind! I love to drive fast. I love to drive...PERIOD! I don't need a destination in mind. I just need a highway and a tank of gas. I love to read traffic patterns. I love to time lights. I love to manipulate my way from point A to point B.

So I have compiled a list if you too want to be a moronic driver...and YES I have done or regularly do all things on this list.

HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON

• Drive in the left lane at ALL times.
• When the car in front of you refuses to concede to the fact that you want to go faster than they, tailgate them mercilessly until they move over. Here's where my inner gay man comes out...I can ride ass with the best of 'em.
• Don't waist time with your blinkers when changing lanes...whats the point?
• Speed limits are merely suggestions.
• Yellow lights were meant to be run...otherwise we would only have green and red.
• Sometimes red lights were meant to be run...as long as you have a "tag" car in front of you. The logic is simple. If the crossing traffic never has a chance to start, then you're clear to go.
• Force your way into a lane when no one is feeling in the giving spirit.
• To effectively win the start from a light, let the other guy nudge up and up and up. Just sit tight the whole time and pay attention to the cross light. Trust me, you'll win every time.
• Never EVER allow yourself to be behind: huge trucks, anything being hauled, handicapped plates, cars weighted down with 20 people, cars loaded down with more than 2 grey haired heads, and old nasty looking cars. All of these will slow you down and make you scream out your window.
• If you ever have the opportunity to be first in line at a light, take it--even if your turning half a block up.
• When you do get busted, don't make excuses. You KNOW you are a MORON driver, so just take the ticket and get on with your day.
• Keep in mind its NOT a very good idea to tailgate a cop. YIKES!
• After you are done with the courthouse and paying off a ticket, stop by the drive-thru and get a daiquiri for the ride home. And if your feeling like a huge MORON, put the straw in the cup...now you're driving with an open container.

And just so you don't think I'm a pure asshole, here are a few things I would NEVER do.

• I don't cut lines of traffic. I especially would never cross a solid white line to get ahead. I wait my turn.
• When lines of cars are merging I always let one in front of me...unless its a huge truck, something being hauled, or a car weighted down with 20 people.
• I don't tailgate the elderly or handicapped.
• I don't blow my horn at thugs.
• I rarely flip anyone off...you never know who's packing heat these days.
• I don't drive like a moron in the rain.
• I don't race my way thru flooded streets. Trust me, when you flood your car out, a towel will NOT help!
• I would NEVER drive while under the influence of anything.

If you want more MORON driving tips...