ANTICIPATED SERENDIPITY

Such a pity it never happens this way...

"Johnathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Johnathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny."

What would your Obituary say??

DRIVING PLEASURE

I admit it! I'm the one you scream at. I'm the one you honk your horn at. I'm the one you shake your fist at. I'm the one that gives you that rush of road rage. I'm that MORON behind the wheel!

I'm convinced that I was conceived in the backseat of a NASCAR. No doubt in my mind! I love to drive fast. I love to drive...PERIOD! I don't need a destination in mind. I just need a highway and a tank of gas. I love to read traffic patterns. I love to time lights. I love to manipulate my way from point A to point B.

So I have compiled a list if you too want to be a moronic driver...and YES I have done or regularly do all things on this list.

HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A MORON

• Drive in the left lane at ALL times.
• When the car in front of you refuses to concede to the fact that you want to go faster than they, tailgate them mercilessly until they move over. Here's where my inner gay man comes out...I can ride ass with the best of 'em.
• Don't waist time with your blinkers when changing lanes...whats the point?
• Speed limits are merely suggestions.
• Yellow lights were meant to be run...otherwise we would only have green and red.
• Sometimes red lights were meant to be run...as long as you have a "tag" car in front of you. The logic is simple. If the crossing traffic never has a chance to start, then you're clear to go.
• Force your way into a lane when no one is feeling in the giving spirit.
• To effectively win the start from a light, let the other guy nudge up and up and up. Just sit tight the whole time and pay attention to the cross light. Trust me, you'll win every time.
• Never EVER allow yourself to be behind: huge trucks, anything being hauled, handicapped plates, cars weighted down with 20 people, cars loaded down with more than 2 grey haired heads, and old nasty looking cars. All of these will slow you down and make you scream out your window.
• If you ever have the opportunity to be first in line at a light, take it--even if your turning half a block up.
• When you do get busted, don't make excuses. You KNOW you are a MORON driver, so just take the ticket and get on with your day.
• Keep in mind its NOT a very good idea to tailgate a cop. YIKES!
• After you are done with the courthouse and paying off a ticket, stop by the drive-thru and get a daiquiri for the ride home. And if your feeling like a huge MORON, put the straw in the cup...now you're driving with an open container.

And just so you don't think I'm a pure asshole, here are a few things I would NEVER do.

• I don't cut lines of traffic. I especially would never cross a solid white line to get ahead. I wait my turn.
• When lines of cars are merging I always let one in front of me...unless its a huge truck, something being hauled, or a car weighted down with 20 people.
• I don't tailgate the elderly or handicapped.
• I don't blow my horn at thugs.
• I rarely flip anyone off...you never know who's packing heat these days.
• I don't drive like a moron in the rain.
• I don't race my way thru flooded streets. Trust me, when you flood your car out, a towel will NOT help!
• I would NEVER drive while under the influence of anything.

If you want more MORON driving tips...

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

I LOVE Thanksgiving Day! Its the best day of the year to get fat-and-happy. And best of all, you don't need to feel guilty about it.

However, this day is quite stressful for MANY people. Too many family members at the table can be more stressful than the war in Iraq. If you fall into this category, try to remain focused on the positive side of things: you get to leave and not see them again until next year, you are REALLY better off than you thought you were, and you were gluttenous before a nap--can life EVER be any better than THAT? Oh and whatever you do...dont be THE MORON that everyone will be talking about tomorrow!

So now I'll be reduced to a cliche. What am I thankful for? Hmmm.

• My family for their support and endless love.

• My friends (flesh and cyber) for their humor, their embrace, and their understanding of who I really am.

• My dog for her unconditional furry love.

• My computer for allowing me an outlet in this introspective journey.

• Music for stirring up my juices.

• The students that challenge me on a higher level.

• My ghetto mattress for offering me so many comfy-cozy naps when I need them the most.

• The wonderful, magestic, irreplacible city of New Orleans for being MY CITY!

So enjoy your day, eat till you pop, reflect on the good things in life, and tell me...WHAT ARE YOU THANKFUL FOR?

INSANE LOGIC

I hate Rosie O'donnell. Let me explain when and where I developed my disdain. In the beginning I LOVED her. I loved her back when she hosted that comedy show on VH1...the one with all the connect-the-dots lights in the background. Thats when I thought she was the shit. Color me happy the day she got her own talk show. It was GREAT! I watched it every chance I could. Then...it happened.

The Columbine massacre stunned our world. We were all traumatized and deeply saddened by the events of that day. A month later, Rosie invited Tom Selleck onto her show to plug his new movie. Then, she used her platform, her stage, her air-time to publicly attack his views and opinions about gun control. She led the sheep into the lions den...because she could. That pisses me off! Here's were I get contradictory.

I totally agreed with EVERYTHING she said! But, her tactic was brutal and in my opinion unforgivable. I never looked at her the same. I never watched her show again. I never liked her again. I cant stand the sight of her. And my disdain continues.



Now she has not only accused Kelly Rippa of being homophobic, but she has publicly outed Clay Aiken. NOT YOUR PLACE ROSIE!! First of all, not wanting someone's hand to your mouth does NOT mean you are a homophobe! JEEZ!! Shut your trap woman! Im giving you the moron of the day award! And second of all, SHAME ON YOU for publicly implying, stating, assuming, OUTING Clay Aiken! That should be HIS decision on HIS terms! Im sick of her VIEW already.

MORBID HUMOR

Put A Fork In Him...He's DONE!

Everyone has seen this insane outburst by Michael Richards during a comedy routine in which he scolded audience members with a slew of slurs. I am not easily appalled by anything, but, THIS was pure insanity. I think I was stunned into silence right along with some of the people in the audience that were lucky enough to be there. It was a train wreck happening right before their eyes...and it keeps being replayed for all eternity for the rest of the world's eyes on youtube.

The following night he used the platform of The David Letterman Show for his public apology. I was expecting a scripted, heartless, I'm-sorry-now-be-done-with-it attitude. Some people have seen this interview and felt that's exactly what they got. However, I felt it was a bit more. Maybe that's just me finding the good in people as I do have THAT disease; however, I really felt as if he too was appalled at his own actions. Have you EVER done anything that made your own self CRINGE with disbelief? I have! Then, I became contradictory.

Last night, I saw an interview with several leaders of the African-American community. They were demanding that Michael Richards sit down with them for an apology because he "needs help." This bothered me! Who are they? Were they the targets? Were they subjected to the tirade? Who made them a leader? Who made them the psychological needs police? This is America, if someone wants to have racist opinions, shouldn't they be allowed? With that said, the African American leaders have a right to be offended. But, do they have the right and the authority to say that Michael Richards needs to apologize and seek "help?" As I see it, this is a personal issue for Richards to address, if he so chooses. And I think it would be only right for him to seek out his targets and apologize to them. Hes already apologized to America. It should be over, as I suspect his career is.

I HATE INTRODUCTIONS! BUT...

Allow me to introduce myself; I am an oxi-moron. OXI because I prefer an i over a y anyday. Why? Because I think a letter should either be a vowel or a consonant...not both! And MORON because I have no issue admitting that I am a freak more times than not.

As my picture indicates I'm slightly HULKISH. In the contradictary sense of the word...of course! David Banner had a beast hidden within him...as do I. "Dont make me angry Mr. McGee. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry!" Yet he strove to help people and to make a difference...as do I.

According to Wikipedia, "Oxymorons are a proper subset of the expressions called contradictions in terms. What distinguishes oxymora from other paradoxes and contradictions is that they are used intentionally, for rhetorical effect, and the contradiction is only apparent, as the combination of terms provides a novel expression of some concept, such as "cruel to be kind."

Expect:

• The truly random thoughts that plague my mind
• Moronic things, ideas, or rants
• Contradictions in any way, shape, or form
• My obsessive tendencies

Hopefully you will be entertained and keep coming back for more...and more.